Info Centre - Pregnancy second time around

It’s exciting to discover you are expecting a child, but you may also have some mixed feelings. Whether it is the second, third or fourth pregnancy, each time your feelings will be different depending on the current circumstances and what has gone before. Having been pregnant before you know the ropes, and in many ways you are setting out on a familiar journey. What will surprise you now and in the future is how different this pregnancy is from your first. Like returning to a familiar place it may look the same but it feels different.

Having already experienced pregnancy, birth and the early weeks after birth, you know this time what to expect in terms of maternity care and you may have a better idea about how to get what you need. Your previous experiences will almost certainly affect the choices you make second time around. Whether it is ‘never again’ or more of the same, decisions you make may feel more emotionally charged this time around. Some parents find that having put difficult first-time experiences behind them, it all comes back with the second pregnancy.

If this sounds like you, make sure that you talk with health professionals and friends and get the support and help you need. NCT refresher antenatal classes, if they are available in your area, are also useful.

Experience counts

While mothers may be worrying about managing a second pregnancy and birth while caring for a young child, many fathers enjoy the second pregnancy and birth much more than they did the first. This time they have a better understanding of what is happening and they feel more confident about handling and caring for a newborn baby. Experience counts for a great deal second time around.

So, was this second pregnancy planned? Are you ready for another child? You may have had all sorts of ideas about the ‘best’ gap between your children, but pregnancies don’t usually conform to such arrangements. While the first pregnancy was a step into the unknown and you could hold onto a fantasy that ‘this won’t really change things’, this time around you know what is coming. You aren’t just pregnant – you are carrying a baby and you know that a new child in a family changes everything.

You may sense that there is less excitement about the announcement of a second pregnancy, and many women feel that they are less fussed over and cherished the second time around. However, at the same time you are more likely to have friends around you who know what being pregnant is all about. A supportive network of other parents can be enormously helpful when you are coping with the physical demands of pregnancy as well as the very immediate needs of your first child. Straight away you start to anticipate how you will cope with juggling the needs of a new baby with the needs of your first-born. Finding the opportunity to rest and eat well during pregnancy can be trickier this time around but it is good practice for when your baby arrives.

A common, secret guilt

Many women also find they spend far less time thinking about this pregnancy than the one before. They may feel less emotionally connected with their unborn child, which leads to a common secret guilt that they somehow won’t be able to attach to this new baby and love him as much as the first. As they gaze lovingly at their first-born child many parents start to anticipate the impact of the new baby on him. Will he be jealous, feel that we love him less, or that we have been selfish by having another baby? And so opens up another rich seam of parental guilt – can you do justice to two (or more) children and love them equally?

The honest answer is that of course you won’t love each of your children in the same way; you will love each of them differently because of the special individuals that they are. Sometimes you may feel that you love one of them more, but it is a very rare parent that doesn’t find their love for each child is immense, and there really is enough love for them all – even if there doesn’t ever seem to be enough time!

In fact a common experience is that rather than not loving the new baby, mothers often find that for a time after the birth they feel a distancing from their eldest child. Compared to the new baby the older child seems so much more independent, stronger and bigger. Being aware that this may happen, and that it is a temporary experience, can help parents plan to make sure that other grown-ups, especially fathers, are around to help with the first-born and offer support.

This is a good time for dad, granny or a family friend to be as involved as they can and become the first child’s ‘special person’ during the early postnatal weeks when everyone has to readjust.

A turning point

The arrival of a second baby, while familiar in many ways, is a turning point in every family. Although it may feel like a smaller challenge than the huge change to becoming a parent that you experienced after the first birth, the arrival of your second baby changes the whole dynamic of your family.

So congratulations on your second pregnancy! This is not a time to put pressure on yourself, but an opportunity to go with the flow and enjoy this special time.

Your experience

"With our first baby I worried about things like nappy-changing and bath times, as well as general stuff about how to be a good dad. What I found though, was that you quickly fall into the routine, and the next time around you know you’ll learn fast on the job and it’s nothing to worry about." Peter, Cambridge

Enjoying your second pregnancy

Second pregnancies nearly always feel very different from the first. You will probably get larger more quickly, feel the baby move sooner and have more Braxton Hicks contractions in the third trimester.

If you feel anxious, due to experiences during your first pregnancy or birth, speak to health professionals and friends for extra support and help.
If they are available in your area, NCT refresher antenatal classes are a great way of preparing for a second birth and making new friends.
Get as much rest and take care of yourself as much as possible.
Lower your standards. Sometimes it is OK to use a video to gain a bit of peace, and the occasional convenience meal will not harm the family in the long run.
Don’t worry if you feel you aren’t giving your second pregnancy and unborn child enough attention. This experience is common and doesn’t mean you will be less attached to your second child.
Two children shouldn’t mean twice as much guilt. Be kind to yourself – being perfect is not necessary.

Your experience

"I got pregnant with my second daughter sooner than planned, when my first was not yet a year old. Struggling with a toddler and a house move while pregnant wasn’t fun and I didn’t really have time to think about the new baby. In the days after the birth I remember missing time with my toddler. Now I see that my youngest daughter is much more like me than my first, we understand each other so well and grow closer each year." Ann, London

"After 12 years, the prospect of a new baby is exciting yet daunting. Whilst I cannot help feeling nervous about the huge change a new baby will bring, the excitement from my daughter and husband makes up for any niggling doubts. Whilst I certainly feel more confident this time around, I am still keen to find out more about pregnancy and birth." Shirley, Lewisham

"My second pregnancy was so much more enjoyable – I knew what to expect and was much more relaxed about things. It was so wonderful to be able to share the experience with my first child, whose excitement about a new baby brother or sister growing inside my tummy was wonderful. I was worried about having enough love and attention for the second child, but realised immediately after she was born that there is no limit to the love you have to give. We have a real family now." Sallie, Central London branch

Want to know more?

To find out if NCT refresher antenatal classes are held in your area, call our Enquiry Line on 0300 330 0770. NCT Shop has a great selection of products, leaflets and books, including:

Hello Baby by Jenni Overend (£10.99). Product code: 1896

Visit www.nctshop.co.uk or call 0845 8100 100 to find out more.

Page lasted updated 2009.