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Info Centre - First days: life with a new baby
This information on this page is taken from NCT's booklet 'First days: life with a new baby'. The information here doesn't tell you everything you need to know caring for a baby, but it does explain what it's like during the first few days and weeks, and offers some suggestions that might help during this time.
Contents
Adapting to life with your new baby
People often say that nothing can prepare you for the birth of a new baby. It’s such an overwhelming experience, and so unlike anything else, that it’s bound to come as a bit of a shock.
And caring for a newborn is a demanding, 24-hour job. It is especially hard when you are just recovering from the birth, coping with discomfort or pain, and dealing with new emotions.
‘When I got home from hospital, I sat down and cried – I was terrified by this huge responsibility and thought I had to prove I could do everything myself. On the other hand, it was magic to see her in her cot after all those months of waiting and getting things ready!’
Getting to know your baby can be rewarding and joyful, but there’s such a lot to learn – how to feed her, how to soothe her to sleep, how to keep her clean and warm. In these first days, it can feel as though you will never adapt to this new way of life.
You’ll soon start to work out your own ways of coping with parenthood, and your ways will probably be different from your family’s or your friends’. You are sure to get plenty of advice from everybody, but remember – this is your baby and you are in charge now. ‘It’s the hardest work I’ve ever done in my life. But also the most rewarding.’
What you can do:
- Realise that the first few weeks are usually the hardest – it won’t always be like this, but don’t expect to have any kind of routine for a few months.
- Know that if you do get some undisturbed sleep in the first couple of months, it’s a bonus!
- Take your time – you, your partner and your baby are learning lots of important skills, and they all take practice.
- Give yourself time to establish breastfeeding. Learning how to do it takes practice and patience in the first few weeks. It’s a bit like learning to ride a bike! If you are having problems or are in pain, speak to a breastfeeding counsellor. Call the Breastfeeding Line: 0300 330 0771, 8am-10pm any day of the week.
- Understand that with a few weeks’ practice, breastfeeding will become second nature and all the rewards and convenience will follow.
- Enjoy the good things – like cuddling your new baby and watching her respond by gazing at your face, grasping your finger or curling and uncurling her toes, even smiling!
- Don’t think you have failed if you ask for help – every new parent needs help.
- Talk to your partner, relatives or friends about how you are feeling. Sometimes a listening ear can make all the difference.
- If you are worried about anything, talk to your midwife, health visitor or doctor.
Getting organised
Looking after a baby is hard enough, but most new parents also have to run a home, go back to work, keep up with friends and family – all the things they did before. You may feel like you’ll never get organised again. In the first few weeks, try to cut down everything to a minimum of just looking after the baby, while someone else shops for food, cooks and washes. If you stock up the cupboards or freezer when you are pregnant, you’ll be thankful later. Decide what is important to you, and try to ignore the rest. You may feel better if you make a list of the things you are putting off for you to tackle when life has settled down again – although this could be some time!What you can do
- Decide on your priorities – write them down and keep the list where you can see it.
- Set yourself realistic goals – they may be very limited at first.
- Keep a store of nappies and change of clothes in each room where the baby is during the day and night.
- Accept offers of help from visitors. Let them wash up or do the ironing. You don’t have to let them cuddle the baby while you do the chores.
- Putting your baby into a baby sling tied onto your front can help. Make sure you choose one that gives you and the baby good support. ‘I just made sure I stayed in my nightie for two weeks and had everyone running round after me.’
I’m so tired...
Most parents say they never realised how exhausting a tiny new baby can be. Often, babies are at their most demanding in the evenings, just when you’re ready for a rest. And broken nights can be a complete shock to your system. In some cultures, new mothers are supported by friends and family for the first 40 days and are expected to do nothing else at all but feed and care for their baby.Partners
First days are hard for partners, too. You may feel overwhelmed by the changes, sidelined and left out of the closeness. You are doing essential work by cuddling the baby, providing good food, cleaning up and keeping visitors under control. You’re putting your baby’s needs – and your partner’s needs – first.
‘Suddenly, we were a family and that feeling was fantastic. I felt my new role (as Dad) was so important, to support my partner and look after this tiny new baby who needed us both'.
If you don’t have a partner who can offer support, don’t be afraid to turn to friends and family members to lend a hand, and find a good friend who is also a parent to talk to regularly.
Beating the tiredness...
What you can do
- Unplug the phone when you feed the baby or take a nap.
- Just stay in bed with your baby. It’s ok for your baby to sleep with you, unless you or your partner smoke, have drunk alcohol or taken any medication that makes you drowsy, or drugs. Make sure your baby doesn’t get too hot, and make sure you are aware of appropriate positioning and bedding.*
- Don’t skimp on your own meals. Keep them simple, but nourishing. Sandwiches, fruit, salad and a yoghurt, a bowl of soup with bread and cheese or baked beans on toast make good, quick meals.
- Ask your partner to look after your baby in the evening while you get some sleep – or ask a visiting relative, so you can both have a rest.
- The mattress must be firm and flat – waterbeds, bean bags and sagging mattresses are not suitable;
- Make sure that your baby can’t fall out of bed or get stuck between the mattress and the wall;
- The room mustn’t be too hot (16–18°C is ideal);
- Your baby should not be overdressed – he should not wear any more clothes than you would wear in bed yourself;
- The covers must not cover the baby’s head;
- Your baby must not be left alone in or on the bed as even very young babies can wriggle into dangerous positions;
- Your partner should know if your baby is in the bed; If an older child is also sharing your bed, you or your • our partner should sleep between the child and the baby;
- Pets should not share a bed with your baby;
- Make sure that your baby cannot go under the covers or into the pillow. The best position is the one that most mothers who are breastfeeding naturally adopt: facing their baby with their body in a position that protects the baby by stopping him moving up or down the bed. Mothers who are formula-feeding do not always do this, so babies are safer in a bedside or separate cot;
- Babies should be put on their back to sleep, never on their front or side, whether in a cot or in bed with you.)
Ask visitors to
- Phone before dropping in.
- Keep visits short – you may find them very tiring.
- Pick up any shopping you might need on their way over – especially cakes or tasty treats. Entertaining so many visitors will mean these are the first things you run out of.
- Look after the baby so that you can do something you want to do – like making a phone call, having a bath or cooking a meal. Sometimes mothers want to keep the baby to themselves and ask visitors to make the meal.
The crying game
All babies cry – it’s their way of telling you they want something. They don’t ask for more than they need and you won’t spoil them by going straight to them. However some babies cry more than others, and most mothers find crying very difficult to stand. If your baby cries for more than a short while, pick her up for a cuddle. Speak to her gently and smile at her. Babies are ‘programmed’ to make contact with their carers; cuddles and baby-talk are necessary for their development. Sometimes, though, they carry on crying when you pick them up.
When the crying begins, use this checklist to help yourself spot the cause:
- hungry
- thirsty
- tired
- wet or dirty
- lonely
- bored
- uncomfortable
- too hot
- too cold
- nappy rash
- wind colic (tummy pain).
‘I picked her up, she cried, I put her down, she cried, I turned the washing machine on, she cried, I turned the washing machine off, she cried, I sang her a song, she cried, I bounced her up and down, she cried, her dad came in, she cried, her dad went out, she cried...'
Soothing a crying baby
- Offer her a feed.
- Gently rock your baby in your arms.
- Pick her up and walk around the room with her.
- Stroke her or massage her gently on the back.
- Try holding her in different positions.
- Carry her in a baby sling.
- Rock her in her pram.
- Give her a bath.
- Talk to her gently or sing to her.
- Take her out of doors. Babies often like to feel the air on their faces. Keep her skin covered or use a sunscreen though, if you are out in sunshine or warm weather.
- Try soothing sounds: sometimes music, switching on the vacuum or running water helps – even ‘white noise’ from the radio!
- Offer her a clean finger-tip to suck.
- Help her feel secure by wrapping her firmly in her blanket – ask your midwife to show you how.
- Ask someone else to take over – sometimes a new pair of hands works wonders. If you think your baby is crying in an unusual way, or for an unusually long time, or you think she is in pain, call your doctor.
When the crying won’t stop
As you get to know your baby better, you may begin to learn the different cries and what they mean. Unfortunately, some babies keep on crying for no apparent reason, even when you’ve tried everything. You may find you spend all your time holding and trying to soothe them. Make sure you get all the help you can – from your partner, relatives, friends, doctor or health visitor.What you can do
- Talk to other mothers. You may find they have some good ideas you’ve not thought of.
- Talk to your partner, relatives or friends about how your baby’s crying is affecting you.
- Try to think positively. You could keep a diary of your baby’s crying and sleeping patterns so you can see progress.
- Step back sometimes and take stock – things may be getting better without you realising it.
- If you feel you need to take some ‘time out’ away from the baby, get your partner, a relative or friend to look after her while you recharge your batteries.
If you feel you are reaching the end of your tether, or you are afraid that you may shake or otherwise hurt your baby, you need help. Put the baby somewhere safe and phone a friend or CRY-SIS (helpline 08451 228 669, 9am-10pm, 7 days a week) or Home-Start (helpline 08000 68 63 68, 8am-8pm, Mon-Fri and Sat 9am-12pm). They provide telephone support to parents of crying, sleepless babies. Home-Start also has a parent-helper visiting scheme – more information at www.home-start.org.uk
‘Why wouldn’t my baby stop crying? I was beginning to feel angry, rejected, guilty and so exhausted.’
Getting to grips with feeding
Whether you decide to breastfeed or bottle-feed, it all takes practice. You are learning and so is your baby. Breastfeeding counsellors can help and support you as you gradually learn this new skill.
One of the biggest uncertainties parents have is how often to feed and how much. The answer is to feed the baby whenever you think she may want it in the first days.
Trying to force a routine in the first few weeks is likely to lead to upset and crying, but gradually a pattern will emerge and as time goes on, you will get better at knowing whether your baby is ready to feed or whether she just wants a cuddle or to suck – babies enjoy sucking things but it doesn’t always mean they’re hungry.
After the birth you will be shown how to feed your baby and you should never be afraid to ask for more help from your midwife or health visitor.
What you can do if breastfeeding hurts or you have questions
- Call one of the breastfeeding helplines.
- Ask for help from more experienced mothers that you trust.
- Read a good guide to breastfeeding. See page 24 for books you can order by phone or from our website.
‘Jack was feeding all the time and I just didn’t know if it was normal. I rang a breastfeeding counsellor and we talked it all through which I found really helpful and reassuring'.
Remember
- Learning to feed your baby takes time and practice.
- If you are breastfeeding, the most difficult part is usually the first few days when it can sometimes be uncomfortable. It will get much easier.
- Frequent feeds when breastfeeding are normal as babies’ stomachs are so small; expect to spend a lot of time feeding at first.
- Try to find one person whose approach seems sensible and follow through her suggestions, rather than chopping and changing between different sources of support.
- Breastfeeding shouldn’t hurt. If it hurts then get help from a breastfeeding counsellor – or call the Breastfeeding Line: 0300 33 00 771.
- All babies are different, so don’t compare yours with other people’s.
- Trust your own judgment. If something doesn’t feel right for you or isn’t working, try something else.
NCT
Your local NCT branch can help you in so many ways. The other mothers and fathers there will be familiar with any problems you might encounter. As well as sharing your concerns and worries, they will be able to offer support and can give you tips that could make life easier. Your local NCT group will also hire out items, such as breast pumps or Valley cushions that you may find useful in the first few weeks. Ring NCT's Enquiry Line on 0300 33 00 770 for contact details of your nearest group.The basics of baby care
Keeping your baby clean
You don’t have to bath your baby every day – once a week is enough. Some babies love their bath straightaway, and it may help them to sleep. But if yours doesn’t, just ‘top and tail’ her every day. The midwife at the hospital will show you how to do this, or ask your health visitor. They’ll also show you how to keep your baby’s cord clean. If they don’t – ask them. For more information on bathing your baby, see our 'Bath-time tips' information sheet.
Keeping your baby warm
Your baby needs to be kept warmly dressed, especially out of doors, but make sure she doesn’t get too hot. Remove extra clothing when you come in from outside or go into a warm car, bus or train. New babies usually hate being undressed, so keep it simple. All she needs in the first few weeks are a vest and sleep suit (with a cardigan or shawl and hat, mittens and bootees, plus blankets when you go outdoors in winter). A good rule is to give her one extra layer of clothing than you’re wearing. If you’re in a T-shirt and sweater, give her a vest, sleepsuit and cardigan. In the summer, if it’s very hot, she’ll probably be fine in a vest, nappy and pair of socks.Keeping your baby safe
- Don’t let your baby get too hot (or too cold). Feel her chest or back to check her temperature.
- Don’t let anyone smoke in the same room as your baby.
- Be very careful not to have hot drinks or boiling water anywhere near your baby.
- Don’t fall asleep on a sofa with your baby.
- Place your baby on her back to sleep.
- If she is in a cot, put her in the ‘feet to foot’ position, with her feet touching the bottom of the cot so she doesn't wriggle down under the bedclothes and overheat.
When to call the doctor
- You should contact your doctor immediately if:
- You think your baby is ill, even if there are no obvious symptoms.
- She turns blue or very pale.
- Her breathing is quick and difficult, or grunting.
- She is exceptionally hard to wake or unusually drowsy or does not seem to know you.
- She has glazed eyes and does not focus on anything.
- You see any sign of bruising or bleeding.
- Your baby is not feeding or is reluctant to feed.
- She has a rash that doesn’t fade when you press a glass tumbler against it.
Changes in your body
In the first few weeks after the birth, you may feel you don’t recognise your own body. You need to give yourself time to recover. Don’t expect to shrink back to your old size straightaway – and now is not the time to go on a crash diet. You need strength and energy to cope with this massive change in your life. If you’ve had a caesarean section, remember this is a major operation and you need extra time to recover.
‘I couldn’t drive after the caesarean section, and walking or carrying the baby was uncomfortable, but gradually it all got easier.’
Some common problems after birth:
- bruising
- backache
- piles
- constipation
- wind
- leaking breasts
- uterus contracting back (‘after pains’)
- sore, engorged breasts
- stiff muscles
- difficulty controlling bladder or bowels
- painful stitches
- sore caesarean wound.
What you can do
- Write a list and discuss any problems with your doctor at your six-week check – but if you are at all worried or in pain, make an appointment before then.
- Keep up any relaxation exercises learned at antenatal classes, and restart your pelvic floor exercises.
- Remember to eat well and rest as often as possible.
- After the first couple of weeks, a good brisk walk with the buggy for 10 to 30 minutes a day can really help.
- Contact your local authority leisure and recreation department or the YMCA for information about sports facilities with a crèche.
Changes in your feelings
‘I really didn’t ‘get’ the whole motherhood thing for the first couple of months – I just felt I had this little tiny creature that was totally dependent on me and that I was responsible for. Then one day, as I picked him up out of his car seat, he smiled at me and I felt this huge rush of love for him, and in that instant I finally ‘got it’ and felt I now understood what motherhood was all about.’
Many new parents feel an overwhelming mixture of emotions in the first days and weeks after the birth: pride, wonder, sense of responsibility, awe, excitement, anxiety and fear. You may feel you are less confident about things you never thought twice about before. If you are very tired, it’s not surprising if you’re shorttempered too. It’s normal to feel some resentment about the changes your baby has brought to your way of life.
You may feel emotional, weepy or a bit depressed shortly after the birth. Having a new baby is a major change and it’s very natural to feel confused and emotional. If these feelings don’t go away after a week or two, or if they get worse, talk to your doctor or health visitor. For some women these feelings can lead to postnatal depression. Don’t forget to tell your partner or a friend just how you are feeling – a good listener really helps.
‘I cried buckets – even though I was happy.’
How you can help yourself
- Try to go out every day, even just to walk around the block. It may seem more trouble than it’s worth, but it can make all the difference to your state of mind.
- It often helps to talk with other new parents and share your experiences. Try to meet other new mothers – they know how it feels.
- Find out if there is a mother and baby group you can go to. Your baby clinic or the local NCT branch may run one near you. Some NCT branches also run ‘Early Days’ postnatal discussion groups.
- Baby massage can make both of you feel soothed. Try it after your baby’s bath and before bedtime – just stroke gently with a little baby massage oil and be guided by your baby’s response.
- Tell your baby how you’re feeling – it sounds odd but babies often do sense that something’s wrong.
- Some women need time away from their baby. A regular ‘hour off’ a couple of times a week can help – while your partner, friend or a relative minds the baby.
- Treat yourself to something that makes you feel good – a haircut, a massage or a bunch of flowers. Phone a friend who always cheers you up or watch a favourite TV programme.
Changes in your relationships
Your baby’s arrival may bring changes to your relationships with other people. You may find it easy to make new friends among the other parents you meet as you are all going through similar experiences.Old friends
Friends who don’t have children of their own may have less in common with you now, but don’t drop them. Your new life as a mother isn’t the whole story and it’s good to keep in touch with the ‘non-baby’ world, if you can.Family
The baby’s grandparents may want to take an active role and they can often give great support – but if your relationship with your parents or your partner’s parents is already tense, the arrival of a baby can create even more tension.- When family visit it can be a good idea to give them something to do to help you out, such as:
- Cooking a meal.
- Walking the baby in the pram while you have a rest.
- Doing the shopping or vacuuming.
- Bringing you breakfast in bed.
- Sorting out your washing, or taking things to the launderette or dry cleaners.
- Emptying the dishwasher/washing machine.
- Taking older kids away for a fun day out.
You and your partner
The birth of a child is a huge transition for couples that is bound to bring changes to your relationship. Whilst some couples feel their baby brings them closer together, it is common for the changes and demands brought by a baby to create or intensify relationship strains and tensions to some degree. Many couples find that the baby takes first place, leaving them less time for each other, and they may fear a loss of intimacy.What you can do
- Talk with your partner about how you are both feeling. Try to spend some time together alone.
- Hugs and cuddles are nice if you don’t feel like making love (or try a massage). Some couples don’t have sex for a long time after the birth. Give each other time, communicate with each other, and do show affection in other ways.
- Respect your different ways of doing things, even if his way of changing nappies is different from yours.
- Your relationship should settle down once you have both adjusted to this big change. But if you need to talk to someone, find a friend you can trust.
People who can help
Community midwife
When you are home with your new baby, a community midwife will usually visit you until your baby is 10 days old (or in some areas, up to 28 days). You can ask for more visits if you’d like. The midwife should give you a phone number where you can get help at any time.Health visitor
A health visitor is a nurse who has had extra training in health promotion. Her job is to help you work out what’s right for you and your baby. You may meet her while you are pregnant and usually you will see her once when the baby is between 10 and 14 days old. She should let you know when and where you can visit her at the weekly baby clinic and also leave a phone number where she can be contacted. At the clinic, you should have the chance to talk about anything that concerns you and discuss your baby’s progress and development. If you are worried about anything outside clinic hours, you can phone your health visitor.Family doctor
You should be given an appointment to have a check up around six weeks after the birth of your baby. This is usually with your family doctor. You can raise any questions or concerns you have about whether your body is returning to normal and about how you are feeling. Most doctors’ surgeries will do all they can to help new parents. If it’s hard for you to get to the surgery, try phoning the surgery to arrange a home visit.Breastfeeding support lines
- NCT Breastfeeding Line 0300 330 0771 (8am-10pm, 7 days a week)
- La Leche League’s 24-hour line 0845 120 2918
- Breastfeeding Network’s Supporterline 0844 412 4664 (9.30am-9.30pm)
- Association of Breastfeeding Mothers 0844 412 2949 (9.30am-10.30pm)
- National Breastfeeding Helpline 0844 20 909 20
Helpful books for new parents
- Breastfeeding for Beginners, Caroline Deacon
- The NCT Book of Breastfeeding, Mary Smale
- Bestfeeding, Renfrew, Fisher and Arms
- Help Your Baby to Sleep, Penney Hames
- Your Baby’s First Year, NCT
- Baby Massage, Peter Walker
- The Birth of a Mother, Daniel Stern
- Feelings After Birth, Heather Welford
- Life After Birth, Kate Figes
- The Father’s Book, David Cohen
- The NCT Complete Book of Baby Care
Useful contacts
Association for Postnatal IllnessTel: 0207 386 0868 www.apni.org
Serene/CRY-SIS (help with crying babies)Tel: 08451 228 669 (9am-10pm, 7 days a week) www.cry-sis.org.uk
Caesarean Support NetworkTel: 01624 661 269 (after 6pm and weekends)
Disabled Parents Network Parent-to-parent support:Tel: 0300 3300 639 www.disabledparentsnetwork.org.uk
Disability, Pregnancy and Parenthood International Information line:Tel: 0800 018 4730 UK textphone: 0800 018 9949 www.dppi.org.uk
Home-Start (practical help at home) Information line:Tel: 08000 686368 www.home-start.org.uk
International Association of Infant MassageTel: 0208 989 9597 www.iaim.org.uk
www.healthtalkonline.org A website of personal experiences of issues such as immunisation, breastfeeding, depression and many other health conditions.
To find a postnatal exercise class in your area, ask your health visitor or contact your local YMCA or email enquiries@ymca.org.uk. You can also visit this website www.postnatalexercise.co.uk
For copies of this booklet, go to http://www.nctshop.co.uk/First-Days/productinfo/1616/
Page lasted updated 2009.
