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Info Centre - Changes in your relationships

The arrival of a baby changes your life in many, many ways – and this page looks at how a new baby can affect your relationships with your partner, family and friends.

While it is often the case that having a baby means there that is less time (and possibly inclination) for intimacy between new parents, and for new parents to enjoy leisure activities together – often due to parental fatigue and anxiety, the juggling of family/work, and the relationship between the baby’s needs and the couple’s own needs - the experience for women and men of becoming parents is often quite different. 

The experience of mothers

Many women notice that things are changing for them during pregnancy when their thoughts and dreams become increasingly focused on the baby they are carrying. When the baby arrives, the hormonal changes going on in your body and the sheer hard work of caring for a young baby may make it seem like the outside world ‘disappears’ for a while. As the visitors come and go, you will be pleased to see them, but your baby is the sun around which everything else revolves. Many mothers, in particular, have such a strong rush of love for their baby that they feel they have little left for anyone else and it is little wonder that some partners and friends feel short-changed. In turn, this can lead to some mothers feeling torn in all directions and exhausted by the prospect of everyone wanting a piece of them.

No matter how much you love your baby and enjoy looking after her however, there will be times when you miss the life you had before, when you could go out when you wanted to and generally ‘do your own thing’. There’s always a strange sense that you should be really happy now your baby is here and that everything should be rosy – but the first couple of months are a phenomenal rollercoaster, where a combination of intense emotions, hormones and sleep deprivation can give life a strange view. If, for example, your partner leaves for work every morning, or carries on with hobbies, you may feel irritated that your life seems to have changed so much more than theirs, and this can lead to arguments and resentment.

It can also be hard to come to terms with the fact that often it is women who assume more ‘traditional’ roles when the baby come along, rather than men; this can lead to conflict, especially if the woman feels that her partner is doing their share of the work/chores etc.

The experience of fathers

Often parents will share the early obsession with their new baby and enjoy the intimacy of this special time together, spending a lot of time talking over what the baby has done that day and what she might do tomorrow. But sometimes one partner, most commonly the father, may feel left out, neglected, sad, lonely or even angry. It can seem childish to be jealous of a baby, but these feelings are real and actually quite common. Men tend to lack support networks, relative to women, but if someone feels like this they it can be helpful to seek out a friend to talk to who will understand (perhaps someone who has been through the transition to parenthood themselves), and who can remind them that this early intense phase will soon pass.

A father who takes paternity leave may become very absorbed in the new baby; if so, all well and good. However, some men still feel excluded during this time, or feel awkward about not knowing what to do, or how to help, or uncomfortable that they can’t help with breastfeeding for example.

Returning to work can also seem strange however, what with having a foot in two different worlds: the working world where they have to carry on functioning in the same way as they did before their child was born, and this intense new life with their baby.

Friends

Whilst having a baby can provide you with opportunities to form new friendships (for example with mums you’ve met at antenatal classes), the arrival of a new baby can affect the relationships you have with your friends. It is not uncommon for new parents to find that they have less in common now with old friends who do not have children. For a time you may grow apart but, as with your partner, it’s important to try to remember that there will be a time later in the first year or so when new parents turn around, look at their baby-filled life, and decide that they too want to watch the latest films, see their friends and have the conversations they used to have, and good friends will still be there ready to go out again and reclaim the part of you they used to know.

The wider family

While you are busy adjusting to the changes a baby has made to your life, your wider family also has some adjusting to do. The birth of a first baby changes a woman from someone’s daughter to someone’s mother too. In the wider family you move up a generation and you have the strange experience of seeing how life looks from a parent’s point of view and not just a child’s. You may still feel like someone’s daughter but you now have the responsibility that goes with being a parent. Becoming a mother may make you look at your own mother with fresh eyes and wonder how the experience of becoming a parent was for her. Babies are demanding, time consuming and wonderful and they change everything.

Sometimes it may feel as though you are losing a lot, especially when you see your old friends less, hardly go out and lose touch with workmates, but you also gain in unexpected ways. For some, family can mean much more and they can find a new closeness with their own parents and wider family. Others may find that the family unit that consists of them, their partner and baby becomes the most important thing. And then there are the new ‘baby’ friends who are happy to talk for hours about births, nappies and feeding.

Page lasted updated 2009.